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Republicans boycott Heinz ketchup

ketchup for Kerry?...

Published: Monday, September 20, 2004

Updated: Tuesday, September 7, 2010 09:09

Republicans around the country have banned together to boycott all Heinz products, including the immensely popular ketchup varieties. According to many Republicans, buying Heinz products supports Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry. Senator Kerry (D - Mass.) is married to Teresa Heinz Kerry, a member of the wealthy and powerful Heinz dynasty.

"We feel that buying Heinz products will not only finance Kerry's campaign, but it will also be an act of allegiance," said Harry Thompson, 41, an Elk Lodge leader and a registered Republican in Florence County, South Carolina.

Ever since radio personality Rush Limbaugh announced his boycott of Heinz products on his talk show last week, many Republicans have followed suit. However, there are some members of the Grand Old Party that remain skeptical of a boycott. Some Republicans have dismissed the protest as pointless. Tom Harrison, 23, a senior at Georgetown University, calls the boycott "idiotic" and "a damper to the great fabric of American virtues, not to mention, uh, untasty."

Prominent members of the party are also wary of the effects of such a boycott. Senator John McCain (R - Ariz.), a staunch advocate for campaign finance reform, issued a statement outlining the faults of boycotting Heinz products. Some of the problems with such a demonstration, the statement suggested, was that Kerry's campaign would in no way be affected if consumers did or did not buy Heinz products.

"It's preposterous," a member of McCain's staff said. She then added, "Plus, without Heinz [Republicans] would have to buy generic brands. And who wants to do that?"

Although the statement disagrees with the boycott, it does recommend a senate investigatory committee "to once and for all find out what those fifty-seven varieties really are."

While Republicans debate the practicality of the protest, Democrats have mounted their own opposition. To counter the boycott Democrats are stockpiling on Heinz products.

Supermarket manager Carl Otis, 53, of Spokane, WA, is one of the many independents baffled by party frenzy.

"I've got all kinds of people just coming in and buying tons of Heinz stuff. They just come out with carts and carts of ketchup, mustard, relish, and other things. Nobody needs that many condiments. Nobody," Otis commented.

The boycott started with inauspicious beginnings but, according to some, it has escalated into an overwhelming show of party rhetoric. There have been numerous rallies and marches across the nation, with both sides of the political spectrum coming out to criticize the opponent. Banners and signs hang across the country with slogans such as "A Tomato Today Means Trouble Tomorrow" (a Republican sign) and "Heinz Helps Hope: Ketchup for Kerry" (a Democrat sign).

So far both presidential candidates have not commented on the craze sweeping the nation, although sources close to incumbent presidential nominee George W. Bush, a Republican, say that he was never a fan of ketchup.

"He's more of a barbeque sauce person. He has a homemade, Texas recipe. I've tried it, it's pretty strong," one source remarked.

Ralph Nader, the third party candidate, made a statement declaring that he is a vegan.

Note: This article was written before any knowledge of a real ketchup brand "W"(as in the President's middle initial) created for Republicans who do not want to endorse and fund John Kerry. And yes, there really is a ketchup brand "W."

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