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The War on Gluten

Features Co-Editor

Published: Friday, October 4, 2013

Updated: Sunday, October 6, 2013 21:10

Gluten (n.) a substance present in wheat based products responsible for said products elasticity. A combination of two proteins, gluten is the demonizing ingredient of everything that is notoriously delicious. Carbs, sugars, trans fats, and now gluten, our American pop culture continues to imprison ‘fatty foods’ in our endless war on fat. Forget Syria and Afghanistan, the real war we Americans seem to be more interested in and dedicated to is against fat pants and tipping scales. Willing to do almost anything in an attempt to have Miranda Kers legs or even Taylor Lautner’s washboard abs, the United States, a characteristically self absorbed and glutinous nation, has decided to go gluten-free.

  A trend, (n.) defined as the general direction in which something is developing or changing, has the power to sway an entire populations judgments and actions. Trends are endlessly emerging and continuously changing. Being on trend remains the tireless aspiration of many Americans including myself. Every Sunday night I sit at my computer hoping to unveil a note worthy trend or lifestyle change worth reading about, and you all- as my loyal readers, willingly digest and display said trends.

   This week lets dive deeper than the trends on our feet or sparkling up our forearms, for trends run deeper than labels behind your shirt collar. From the brand of coffee you drink to the manufacturer of your low-fat Greek yogurt, foodie trends have become instantly popularized by the social media application known as instagram.  The latest food trend filtered through instagram accounts of health foodists and yogis alike being #GF, #glutenfreeprobs, and #glutenfreegoodness.

  Whether you have a gluten intolerance, gluten sensitivity, celiacs disease, or just a case of the big girl blues, this years fashionable food phobia is gluten. Gwyneth Paltrow, Miley Cyrus, and the Olsen twins, just to name a few, are celebrities on the gluten free ban wagon, depriving themselves of anything containing the G word, as unspeakable as Lord Voldemort himself.

  The ever popular Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, and Fresh Market gourmet grocers stock continues to rise as stay at home moms and Women’s Health readers storm the stores to transform their families and friends into gluten free enthusiasts. Doctors and nutritionists are at war over our newfound social dieting. Is gluten really that bad for you? Can a gluten free diet really help our overall health, or is this yet another scheme brought on by overpaid and overly thin Hollywooders? Jesus broke the bread so why shouldn’t we?
  After a full year of bullying my gluten-free friends for fad dieting, I began to have these so called “gluten reactions.” Karma got me good, and now, after endoscopies, blood work, and unfortunate rashes (TMI), I have to maintain a damn gluten free diet. My only reasoning for my sudden diagnosis is my soul’s constant need to be on trend or maybe even in an attempt to answer my skinny prayers, God made me allergic to all food. Whatever the answer may be, I am officially gluten free. So next time you decide to be gluten free for the day, think of me, and others like me, who can’t decide when to be gluten free and when to eat an entire pizza on a Thursday night. That being said, its either gluttony or gluten free, you can’t mix them up. In closing, I would like to reveal three hidden gluten free foods to all my GF GF’s out there (Gluten Free Girlfrinds (or BF’s). 1. Corona is made from corn and not wheat! SO grab some limes and drink up! 2. Almost all Tostitos products are gluten free! Your chips and salsa cravings need not end with your newfound diet. And Lastly, number 3. There are a plethora of flourless cake mixes by Betty Crocker that are mind blowing.

So, stay strong my soldiers. We will defeat Gluten!

Carry on,
Your Fashion Fairy Godmother,
Katie E. DeGennaro

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