The grisly new future of grooming.

New Escalation in The Razor War: Reports from the Front

By: Matthew Mastromauro

Posted: 10/21/05

Bad news everyone, there's been another escalation in the razor wars. It may be a good time to clean out hose bomb shelters. Out here on the frontlines of razor warfare, the situation is tense; both of the razor superpowers have their finger on the trigger just itching to blow all of us away! Before we get into the latest dark development it would be wise to go into a brief history that has led us to this darkest day.

As is the way with many things, the road to hell has been paved with good intentions. At first, razor companies sought the safety and comfort of their customers, the razor companies used the birth of razor technology to bring people out of the dark ages of grooming. Like a light into the darkness the single bladed disposable razor was a revelation to the world of grooming, far better than the common uses in those dark ages of swords or sharp pointed rocks. The one bladed razor was in fact good, yet from this womb of kindness and generosity grew the seeds of evil, hate and competition that would bring us to this dark age.

Companies began getting envious of the success of the one bladed razor, and soon one wasn't enough. Two become the new one, and sides were chosen, the two superpowers Sillette and Glhick emerged as the only two superpowers left after the maelstrom of the great war of the lubricated strip. Soon we the public found ourselves at the mercy of two frothy-faced, bleary-eyed madmen at the helms of their respective dealers of doom. The name of the game was escalation and both sides were willing to play. Soon two razors was replaced by three razors, then three razors on a red stick (RED!). Soon even the red wasn't enough and the razors began to have sentient intelligence of their own, able to buzz and vibrate. Some would even say think! Each power tried to counter the other with the next big ridiculous unnecessary evolution, and the only victim at the hands of these superpowers was the unsuspecting public, the third world pawns in their superpower battle.

Countless numbers of faces of our young male youth were destroyed by the Glhick gas powered behemoth and I can't count the number of the fairer gender who now can't walk because of the reign of the auto-shaving dog animal created by Sillette (the horror!).

Modern groups of hippies began to protest the horrors of this unyielding onslaught of technology by growing beards and leg hair. Actions against these protestors were horribly repressive, thousands of shaving ninjas, with the help of the shaving secret police used pinkerton-esque strike breaker tactics to suppress the movements, and break the groups. I am sure we all are able to remember the nights of "the shaving" it was nerve-wracking. Even popular pseudo-political rock corporation U3 had to speak out about the dangers of this shaving escalation in their song, "Sunday Bearded Sunday." How long, how long must they sing that song? How long?

It seems now as if the bad times have taken a turn for the worse. After a brief period of dÈtente in the early nineties, when it seemed as if Glhick and Sillette were easing their tensions, being bearded and natural was in again, the world was at peace, away from the dangerous intentions of these behemoths. Art and learning reached a peak, swords were hammered into plowshares, and finally it seemed as if the people of the world would have peace, free from the tyranny of the grooming business. Then, without warning some fools began to destroy the natural order of this peace. The metrosexual was what brought the razor wars back into full swing, soon the bad old days were back again with the encouragement of traitors like Ben Affleck and New England Patriots tackle Matt Light, the extreme grooming wars began again anew! (The horror, the horror.) This brings us to the new breakthrough in shaving violence.

Soon two blades were not enough, and three blades were for pansies, Sillette came out with the four bladed razor and now I have been getting reports from my people on the inside that to counter Ghlick is going over the top skipping five blades and going straight for the throat, literally, with the six bladed monster. Can you imagine the type of horrible damage that a six bladed razor could do? These things were not meant to exist in nature. It has been rumored that to counter this Sillette will be launching razor satellites that will shave people in their sleep, watching their every move. Big Brother will be watching, and lathering up to shave you, to death! Neither side will stop until they have achieved complete victory, and the loser is the public, people have been forced to choose sides, brother is pitted against brother and the world descends further into madness. I urge all of you to be aware, watch your back some among you may be a traitor, do not let the shaving get inside your head, or on your head for that matter. We all have to band together and pray for the end of this crisis, time heals all wounds and will hopefully lead us out of these dark days.

This is Matthew Mastromauro signing off from the shaving frontlines, goodnight and good luck.