Post Classifieds

Purple Pennings with Rick ConeBus

On March 28, 2014

 

  What if I told you that the greatest intramural volleyball team was denied a chance to play in the playoffs? What if I told you that corruption and politics doomed the legendary DirtyMikeandtheBoys? What if I told you that the story of DirtyMikeandtheBoys was the greatest tragedy in sports? This is the story of DirtyMikeandtheBoys and everything you are about to read is entirely true. (Note: All names have been changed to protect the innocent, granted rather poorly at that)

   The year is 1974 and the team of destiny came together in a most unorthodox manner. Roommates Clio Manmark and Connor Dayquil took time off from their famed boy band "The Man Band" to pursue their studies at Holy Cross. 

   Michael Sevensmith had just returned from 'Nam and found himself in the room next to the legendary duo. In the room next to Sevensmith was Rick ConeBus, a former advisor to the Nixon administration, and Hohn Jodge, who had just completed his fourth stint in rehab (though he only recalled three of them). Rounding out the hall was Connor Zanzini and a female (although both she and the school have asked to leave her name out, as the school did not officially allow females yet).

   From day one, they knew they had something special. Their hair was long, their personalities eccentric, their athletic ability sufficient, but their heart and chemistry second to none. Their story truly begins when they approached a young Matthew McConaughey, sporting an outrageous afro and a violent handlebar mustache (it was literally violent and attacked players on several occasions during practice) and asked him to coach their new team "DirtyMikeandtheBoys."

   McConaughey recalls, "they came up to me and asked me to coach and I was like 'all right, all right, all right'."

   He went on to say "you know, man. Maybe I should've been nervous about it. I mean, Sevensmith had some bad PTSD, like real bad. Jodge was straight out of rehab. We were all nervous about ConeBus bugging our rooms after that whole Watergate thing. And Manmark and Dayquil, man, you've all heard the stories about them on tour."

   Team manager Tommy "HB" aka Tommy Basketball aka Tommy Dinand aka Tommy Backwards-hat aka Tommy Haircut etc. remembers, "it was a weird group of guys. But I'll be damned if they weren't the sexiest. That hair. I mean, damn."

  Praise aside, DirtyMikeandtheBoys had a season to play. However, they found themselves on the wrong side of controversy right away when a misprinted schedule forced them to miss their first four games (or Zini forgot to check the schedule, no one is sure to this day).

   Once they had the proper schedule, it did not take long for DirtyMikeandtheBoys to make national news by what some still call the greatest match of volleyball ever played by humans with facial hair.

  The opponent was the formidable US National team from the Ukraine, headed by team captain Zydrunas Ilgauskas, who had somewhat questionably finagled their way into the Holy Cross intramural volleyball tournament. It was David versus Goliath, if David had great hair and an impeccable mustache.

  The game started with a bang when Sevensmith spiked the ball for the opening point and ConeBus, from the sidelines, began chanting "start the buses." Both teams were fired up; the only thing missing was a crowd. 

   That would soon change, however, as after the first game, in which DirtyMikeandtheBoys narrowly lost, word quickly spread around campus, around Worcester, around New England, and the remainder of the planet known as Earth (via hand-written letters, carrier pigeons, and word of mouth) that the greatest sporting event since Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee went toe-to-toe in a game of one-on-one basketball to 11 to decide the fate of the Union was happening at Holy Cross.

  First thousands, then tens of thousands, then hundreds of thousands flocked to the Fieldhouse. "It was the Woodstock of volleyball, you can quote me on that one" said Hohn Jodge who attended Woodstock himself, prior to his second stint in a rehabilitation center.

   With the crowd behind them, DirtyMikeandtheBoys pulled off 21 straight points, beating their opponents by an unprecedented score of 21-0.

  It was all down to the final, deciding third game. Unbeknownst to DirtyMikeandtheBoys, the fix was in. The interim President of the school at the time, whose real name we are not allowed to print, had a special interest in the match, one that would not be revealed until now, when the scandal will finally be made known.

  You see, although you would think, given the position he was in, that this wouldn't be the case, the president, Father Ilgauskas SJ (as we'll call him) had a son, a senior in high school, who was playing in the match for the opposing team. Now, you would also imagine that his son's tuition would be free. However, Father Ilgauskas bet his son's tuition on the game, in hopes to win an equal amount which he would invest in foreign interests in the Soviet Union.

  Thus, even after Dayquil and Manmark rallied off 18 straight aces, the scoreboard still only read 4-0, favoring the US National team from the Ukraine. Later, with both teams tied at 77 in a win by two scenario, Ilgauskas spiked the ball emphatically, but in the process, ripped down the net, a clear and obscene violation of the volleyball rules according to Section 7, paragraph 7, sentence 9 of the US Constitution. The refs, however, being paid off in dining dollars, refused to make the call.

  Dayquil, distraught over the no-call, and actually pretty untalented to begin with, lined up for what is widely known as being the single most horrendous and embarrassing attempt to do anything ever. The serve landed three courts over and severely injured an unsuspecting bystander.

  DirtyMikeandtheBoys' chance of winning, much like Dayquil's dignity, was gone. They were distraught and vowed never to play volleyball again.

   Now, years later, with the scandal finally out, the team has agreed to a reunion. Granted they're all different people now.

   Dayquil went on to invent Dayquil, named after himself in a shameless attempt to fix his damaged reputation after "the serve heard round the world." Manmark is now a shepherd who blissfully herds his sheep as they happily graze and meander. Jodge was last seen 12 years ago walking down the East Coast in hopes to find a WaWa. Sevensmith is now a traveling magician and you can contact him for your child's birthday at 7sevensmith@7sevensmith.com/7? (not a typo, literally not quite sure.). 

   ConeBus, after a brief stint as quarterback of the Cleveland Browns, is now imprisoned for trying to steal the Declaration of Independence, inspiring the Oscar-winning performance by Nicholas Cage, often referred to as the greatest actor of his generation. 

   Rounding out the bunch, is Zanzini who is also in prison for running a Ponzi scheme, accumulating $17 billion which he spent entirely on plastic surgery to look like Biff from Back to the Future, no one is sure why.

  Now, 29 years later, what if I told you that they will be returning for the 2014 intramural season? DirtyMikeandtheBoys are back with a vengeance and far less hair. Come watch their reunion on April 31st, 2014 in the Fieldhouse at dawn.


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