Dining Services “LOL JKing” About Kimball Redo; Smart Car Parking Lot to be Built Instead
Published: Friday, February 28, 2014
Updated: Friday, February 28, 2014 12:02
Last Friday, February 14th, the Crusader ignited the campus into mass hysteria with their breaking news story announcing Kimball’s planned makeover for the next school year. Pandemonium ensued among freshmen and sophomores, who were ecstatic that dinners would now be something to look forward to because, you know, BRICK OVEN PIZZAS are the bomb and watching subpar food be prepared in front of you is a lot better than just eating it without wasting your time seeing people cook it.
While underclassmen were dancing on Easy Street feeling some type of way after the news, many current juniors were left feeling dejected. “I’m a little bit fired up right now, man. The one year here I don’t have a meal plan because I am living off-campus Holy Cross decides to redo Kimball. I just hope that an incoming freshman will be nice enough to swipe me in on chicken cordon bleu night,” said an anonymous junior who would prefer if we didn’t reveal his identity as a guy named Pat Loftus.
However, The Eggplant has been privy to hear from a direct source *cough* Father Boroughs *cough* that the planned remodeling of Kimball into a cool vibe city BRICK OVEN PIZZA lounge/eating spot is not to be. Instead, in a remarkable turn of events, Kimball will be knocked down and replaced with a new parking garage structure strictly for Smart Cars.
Though students’ main source of nourishment will be taken away, Holy Cross was just not going to tell anyone and hoped that no one found out. The Smart Car oasis will be the new home to the ten thousand Smart Cars that were bought by Holy Cross last year because, you know, the only thing better than BRICK OVEN PIZZAS is having a lot of really small cars.
The garage will still be known as KIMBALL, but will instead stand for “Kars Ideally Must Be Always Lacking Largeness.” Dining Services in fact made a Facebook group called
“Super Pumped up for Brick Oven Pizzas LOL JK Smart Car Gang or Die.” So far no Holy Cross students have joined said group.
Who knows how the student population will feed themselves with both Upper and Lower Kimball being eviscerated, but that really is not the point. Smart Cars will lead Holy Cross to the promised land, and this new structure is just the next step before they become our overlords.