New Trend Makes Life on ‘Easy Street’ a Little Less Easy
Published: Friday, October 4, 2013
Updated: Sunday, October 6, 2013 22:10
The scene on the third floor of Mulledy last weekend was a perfect illustration of a disturbing trend that has taken hold of the campus in recent weeks. Hordes of over-age seniors have begun drunkenly stumbling back on campus after taking part in absurdly irresponsible pre-games in their off-campus residences. When asked to explain their behavior, the seniors maintained that they were simply “looking for a sweet party to go to” and that they “heard from a friend Healy 211 was really popping off” or that “Mulledy 341 had, like, three kegs”.
It was indeed Mulledy 341 that fell victim to one of the worst infestations of upperclassmen to date, with almost the entire senior class packing themselves inside the room for upwards of 5 hours. A resident of the room, freshman Godfrey Ablewhite, shared his story with the Eggplant: “We had decided to have a few of our friends over for a ‘Last of the Brohicans’ themed party because that happens to be all of our favorite novel/movie based on a novel. We had bought a couple 30s earlier in the week because we were expecting a good amount of our friends, but nothing could have prepared us for what actually happened that night. I may never be able to read ‘Last of the Mohicans’ ever again.”
Word that a group of individuals had purchased a larger amount of alcohol than they could drink by themselves spread like wildfire through the entire student body. “I should have been worried when I began hearing people mention our room when I walked around campus,” mused Ablewhite with his head cradled in his hands, ‘But I didn’t think that it was a problem at the time I was just excited for the party. OH GOD, IT WAS SO HORRIBLE!”
After Ablewhite composed himself and stopped crying and/or vomiting uncontrollably, the Eggplant was able to piece together the remainder of the story. It seems that the night began as planned, with several of Ablewhite’s freshmen buddies getting together to casually drink some beers dressed like Native Americans who are also bros. Slap cup may or may not have been played.
At approximately 12:30 AM the first group of seniors showed up to the room. Ablewhite remembers the scene vividly, “They just walked in to our room like they owned the place, without even knocking once. There had to be, like, 7 of them. All dudes. Really threw off our ratio. They all seemed quite intoxicated as well and none of them were dressed like the theme of the party so we weren’t sure what to do at first. One of them was related to one of my buddies, I think, and we still had plenty of beer so we threw caution to the wind and gave them some Natural Lights. GOD, HOW I WISH WE COULD GRAB THAT CAUTION BACK FROM THE WIND AND HOLD ONTO IT FOREVER!”
Once Ablewhite had returned from changing his pants, he continued recounting the events of the night: “After this first group came it just started getting more and more crowded. We were all having a good time in the beginning so we didn’t really notice what was happening. Then it got to the point where I couldn’t even get across my room. There were more people that I had never seen before than people that I knew. Pretty soon we didn’t have any beers left. I tried to tell everyone that, I was screaming that they should go find somewhere else to go, that there was nothing here for them, but they just laughed at me and started going through our refrigerator and even our drawers looking for anything to drink. And that’s when I looked in the hallway. OH GOD WHY DID I LOOK IN THE HALLWAY?! WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS IT THAT WE LIVE IN WHERE THINGS LIKE THIS ARE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN?!”
(Editor’s note: Mr. Ablewhite was unable to continue the interview because he suffered an acute case of “the willies”. He was promptly checked in to Health Services where he was prescribed several Advil and told to avoid any contact sports or particularly emotional episodes of How I Met Your Mother. The rest of the story will be told from the perspective of a member of the senior class).
“Look, man, I was just trying to have a good time,” said still noticeably intoxicated senior Franklin Blake, “Me and my boys CRUSHED a pregame at my house beforehand. I’m saying I had like 8 or 9 shots of UV Blue before 7 o’ clock and I didn’t get home from my internship until 6:45. We literally CRUSHED it. And I want you to write CRUSHED in all caps in the article, all right? I want everyone to know we don’t mess around.”
After drinking horribly irresponsible amounts of alcohol Blake and his “boys” decided that they wanted to get out of the house and find a real party, “Once we played ‘Wake me up’ for, like, the 20th time we decided to go out and get some chicks because my boys and I really felt like our game was on point that night. I was so drunk I would literally say anything to anyone and that’s exactly what I did. Anyway, my little brother’s a freshman and he sits a couple rows behind some kid in his Intro to psych class. This kid, Apple…berry, Able…fart farthead, haha, something like that, or, whatever, lived in 341 and I heard they were throwing down with like 6 kegs so went there. I literally called every person in my phone book to let them know where the party was so that they would know how cool I am. And I sent out a campus wide email. We PARTY PACKED that idiot’s hallway.”