Next Spring Concert Leaked: Campus ‘Somewhat’ Excited
Published: Friday, October 4, 2013
Updated: Wednesday, November 6, 2013 14:11
DINAND--Citing how miserably awful last year’s concert was, and with nowhere to go but up, the new Holy Cross Student Union (which only recently ousted the Holy Cross General Assembly in a murderous bloodbath) announced yesterday its preliminary plans to have Michael Jackson perform at the up-and-coming Spring Concert. According to sources, who leaked the information only under the condition that their names be withheld pending the colossal disaster that will be this concert, the King of Pop will be accompanied by a Holy Cross student who exclusively plays the French Horn tuned in B flat. He is self-taught.
“After violently beheading almost every member of the General Assembly with a rusty scythe so that our new Student Union could take power, we thought long and hard about what the worst—what the most downright terribly loud horribly sounding thing on Earth could possibly be.” Explained His Excellency Grand Visor Chairmen Henry Dalking of the fledgling tyrannical regime. “After a few minutes someone suggested the French Horn, and then several minutes later someone offered incorporating Michael Jackson, just because it was more practical: how on Earth would one French horn player alone be both obnoxiously loud and costly enough to merit the gargantuan flop that we want this concert to be?
The concert, a favorite every year of Holy Cross upperclassmen but not underclassmen, will reportedly take place on the second week of December, smack-dab in the middle of finals period. The location is tentatively the large reading room in Dinand, although the Science Building atrium is a close second as the likelihood of death by falling increases tenfold.
“Of course, you may be wondering about the bizarre intricacies involved with the location and timing of this splendid event.” Continued Chairman Dalking as he motioned for the beheading of the General Assembly to continue. “The reason for the setting is, of course, directly related to obtaining an apex of wanton human suffering. This way, we will maximize attendance for those who skip the concert every year because they are studying. And yes, it will still be called the Spring Concert even though everyone is going to freeze their face off.”
At press time, Chairmen Dalking could be seen consulting his head torturer on how best to display the mangled bodies of his enemies throughout Hogan Hoval.