Off-Campus Student Does all Grocery Shopping at Gas Station by Wendy’s
Published: Friday, September 27, 2013
Updated: Friday, October 4, 2013 12:10
SHELL--Lacking a car and with no friends to drive him, local senior Thomas Paine has done the entirety of his biweekly grocery-related errands at the gas station on Southbridge Street: the one neighboring the Scrubadub Carwash.
During a brief discussion on the weird bridge leading to Stein with those who share occupancy with Paine, it was confirmed that all of the milk, toothpaste, frozen waffles, and Wonderbread in Paine’s kitchen all trace their origins to that of the fueling station across the street from Wendy’s. The oil depot was helpfully described as being the one directly past all of the gallingly birdbrained construction on the big bridge thing.
The finding comes several weeks into the school year, at a time when most seniors who are not on the meal plan have reached what is likely their seventeenth Wings over Worcester delivery. Paine, on the other hand, has been relentless in avoiding the “posh and excessive” use of ordered food to meet nutritional needs. “I’m living off-campus to save money and learn how to live on my own, just like everyone else. I did not convince Paul Irish and my parents that I deserve to live in my own dilapidated domicile out of some ridiculously immature fancy for ordering Dominos pizza in the middle of the night.”
The twenty-two year old senior, who was selected for his outstanding maturity and impeccable adherence to school rules for permission to live off-campus, reportedly spends approximately ten to twenty dollars a week on a surprisingly varied array of Little Debbie treats and General Mills cereal marketed toward eight-year olds. Having purchased all of the victuals and toiletries Paine needs for his two-week period, Paine then makes the journey back to his abode by navigating through the labyrinth of construction workers and dubious drug-dealers who reside underneath the bridge. According to several witnesses, this process requires several trips as Paine carries everything in a heaping pile in his arms.