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Senior Goes to Kimball, Lives to Tell the Tale

Probably Lying

Published: Friday, February 28, 2014

Updated: Friday, February 28, 2014 12:02


Seeing a senior in Kimball is sketchy enough, but seeing one texting that mysterious number on all the tables about questions or concerns is even weirder. That was exactly my predicament a few months ago, when rugby season was in full swing and I would (with extreme joy) go to Kimball after practice on the backs of the freshman class. As I was sitting there eating my handmade chicken quesadilla, one of the staples of any Kimball legend’s diets, I noticed that Kimball was so kindly inviting me to have a conversation with them and text them with any of my concerns. Turns out I did have one, are there laxatives in the food? Well the kindly staff at Kimball was certainly manning the phones because I was given a prompt and informative reply. The conversation went a little like this: 

Me: Holla atcha boi it’s Nicky Twigs here with a big Q for you! 

Kimball: Excuse me? 

Me: Sorry about that, I get excited when I text dining halls, I have a question about something that’s been bugging me for a while, do you think you could help me out? 

Kimball: Sure what is going on? 

Me: Well, as I’m sure you already know, no one is really sure what’s in the food in Kimball, in fact the recipes are more tightly guarded then the secrets behind the Bohemian Grove and the Illuminati. So I was wondering if…

Kimball: You were wondering if laxatives were in the food... 

Me: How on earth did you know that? 

Kimball: When you’re in my dining hall I know all your thoughts and deepest desires, speaking of which…

Me: I’d prefer to not go there, just help me out here. I made a 17-yen bet with some guys on the rugby team and they think there are laxatives in the food. I’m saying BS though no way you guys can just use indiscriminate laxative warfare on the student body, that would just be unethical. 

Kimball: Go and collect your monopoly money cause you’re today’s Grand Prize Winner! We under no circumstances use laxatives in our food! Ever! 

Me: So why does everyone complain about not feeling well the first week of college then? 

Kimball: Oh that? Pshhh, I never said anything about the quality of the food. We just don’t use laxatives!

Me: Well I guess that’s a relief...although I think I’d rather brave the dangers of my own kitchen after this conversation...

Kimball: No! don’t go! I love you! 


I’m sure you all can imagine where the conversation went from there…I am now engaged to Kimball Dining Hall.  The wedding will be sometime before it gets demolished. Anyway, good news for all you on-campus peeps out there, no laxatives in the food! So when you go to Kimball tomorrow get a double portion on me!

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