Too Top Heavy
Published: Sunday, September 22, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, November 12, 2013 17:11
School officials report that a Holy Cross junior is in good condition after suffering a violent tumble this past Friday just outside the Hart Center. Witnesses say the student, who requested to remain anonymous, was exiting the Hart Center around 3:19pm ET when a stiff gust of wind toppled him to the ground.
“He just got off balance and went down like a ton of bricks,” said sophomore Nat Domagala, who was also exiting the Hart Center and viewed the entire misfortune. Sources say the student entered the Hart Center gym alone at approximately 1pm for a pre-weekend, upper-body pump session, consisting mainly of bench press and curls.
After blasting his chest and bulging his biceps, he completed his two-hour routine with a five-minute, gut-busting core crusher to solidify a weekend six-pack.
However, after downing a protein shake and lumbering out of the gym, the student’s upper body was simply too “swoll” for his own good.
“His upper body was just too big,” stated junior Jake Youso. “I don’t wish to critique anyone’s personal workout habits, but he really needed to mix in some squats or something, the kid has chicken legs.”
These chicken legs proved to be the Achilles heel of said student as he swaggered his way out of the Hart Center.
Witnesses say the student was no more than twenty paces outside the building when a swift breeze swept across the hill, sending the student staggering sideways before losing balance and capsizing like a great oak tree crashing to the earth.
“His tiny little legs just couldn’t hold that kind of mass. When a figure like that is thrown off balance bad things are bound to happen,” said Jeff Oliver, Holy Cross head strength and conditioning coach and a leading expert in swollology. “The poor kid didn’t stand a chance, he could use some squat jumps.”
The situation got worse for the muscle bound meathead upon striking the ground.
As his top half keeled over and toppled to the concrete the momentum he carried from the powerful gust sent him reeling onto his back where he became precariously stuck in a most unfavorable position.
His hulking back lay firmly planted on the ground and due to his disturbingly large shoulders and elephantine chest, his arms simply could not reach the ground and he was unable to right the ship.
This immensely disproportional body lay stranded like a giant turtle, helplessly flailing about, and frantically awaiting a Good Samaritan to come rescue him.
“It was honestly difficult to watch,” said a random bystander. “I wanted to tear my eyes away but I just couldn’t do it.
It was like seeing a T-Rex stuck on its back, such a mighty creature in helpless distress. It’s a sad sight but you just don’t see that every day.”
As bystanders froze in shock and awe public safety quickly arrived on the scene and brought the man back to an upright position.
This garnered cheers and applause from the surrounding crowd that had gathered to observe this spectacle of physics.
The student was quickly ushered into the vehicle and transported to Health Services to treat minor bruises and what was described as a wounded ego.