Drama... Ain’t Nobody Got Time Fo’ Dat
Published: Friday, March 1, 2013
Updated: Friday, March 1, 2013 14:03
“Great people talk about ideas. Average people talk about things. Small people talk about other people...”
“This one is for all the [“people”] from my city trying to diss / Without a response from me you really fail to exist”
“He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves”
- Chinese Proverb
“When angry you’ll make the greatest speech you’ll ever regret”
- William Ury
This is the realest thing I have ever written… Conflict resolution? I will do this in three easy steps… Thank me later. Nobel peace prize, here I come.
First, how much does the conflict mean to you? How much do you value this person, what are the spoils if you enter the war? So often, we enter unnecessary conflicts. We hear something negative comments and want to confront the person. What’s the point? Throughout my life, I have accrued twenty-two years of wisdom; I have discovered that by forfeiting small battles, I conserve my energy to address much bigger issues. Here is how I address rumors about me: I spread them myself. It sounds counterintuitive doesn’t it? But it actually makes a lot of sense. I’ve discovered how rumors function. Rumors are meant to attack a person’s character, and what better way to dismiss a rumor than to show that it does not bother you? You rise about the assault by making it satirical. You are able to show your persecutor that you have risen above their childish banter, and you get laughs in the process. Once you can comfortably hyperbolize your personality, both the good and bad, what can someone possibly use against you?
Second, if this is a conflict you have with someone who you value, do not wait to solve it. This is a lesson I learned from my best friend, Jeanie Johnson ’13. She introduced me to the “48 Hour Rule.” This rule states that if a conflict arises, you have 48 hours to reach out to the person to address it, or you have to let it go. Anyone who knows me personally knows I hate passive aggressiveness. I find it to be wasted emotion. The effort one uses to suppress the issue could more productively be used to solve the situation. Jeanie uses the analogy of a wound. She says you should address the wound immediately so as to not be distracted by other things. And in addressing the wound, she warns me to never throw salt on it… Let me explain.
The third and final step to conflict resolution is actually addressing the problem. This is properly done through the CAR Method: Calm, Address, and Reconnect. I learned this at a summer camp while working with children and found that it also works with adults. Being calm is the first step. This is where the salt and wound analogy I referred to above comes into play. Do not enter the discussion with malice, seeking revenge, and trying to force your point down someone else’s throat. One of my favorite quotes is, “Choose being kind over being right and you’ll be right every time.” Be calm, and you’ll be amazed at how smoothly the problem is addressed. Finally, and most importantly, don’t forget to reconnect. Make sure that there has been reconciliation and compromise. There should not be any bitter feelings; no one should leave the room feeling cheated, guilty, angry, or frustrated.
True friendship will always be tested. I can’t possibly tell you how often Jeanie has confronted me with a problem – usually addressing the fact that I am a horrible texter who responds to her messages a day late… Or sometimes not at all. But conflicts in friendships are what cause them to be stronger. I enjoy the conflict I have with my closest friends because I appreciate their willingness to be honest and vulnerable with me. However, when it comes to drama outside of my close-knit friends… Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.