WHEELER 2 - In their weekly discussion about how to overcome the conundrum of being underage with alcoholic aspirations, Carl Ratherman announced to his Wheeler 227 roommates, "Guys don't worry, I think I know someone who can do it." Rutherman, a native of White Plains, NY and new member to the Club Hockey team, went on to add, "I don't know how I didn't think of her before!" With a degree of excitement rivaled only by his fellow forced-triple-mates, Ratherman elaborated that he had been having trouble opening his school mailbox when a "pretty cute senior girl offered to help" him.
LINDEN LANE, WORCESTER MA -- In what she describes as a "life-altering" experience, junior English major and newly minted Alumni Hall resident Kimberly Westport visited Lower Kimball Food Court for the first time since matriculating at Holy Cross. Shockingly, the delay of her inaugural visit was not due to lack of knowledge or scheduling difficulty, but rather to mere apathy regarding the existence of Kimball's "little brother.
COLLEGE ST., WORCESTER, MA -- Junior Economics major Worthington Kennedy-McCallister III wanted to change his style when he fatefully made "the worst decision of [his] life." "Not to be pretentious, but I had the sickest lettuce [head of hair] on the team," Worthington assures us.
September 20th was supposed to be a proud day for Holy Cross senior Mike Winchester, an Environmental Studies major with a concentration in Women's and Gender Studies. Having spent the better part of his weekend researching the increasingly problematic issue that is global climate change, Winchester stumbled upon a potential scientific breakthrough in the wee hours of Monday morning: the vegetarian lifestyle.
BOYDEN ST., WORCESTER, MA - At the College of the Holy Cross, there is a time-honored tradition of upperclassmen leaving the protective blanket of the campus and venturing forth into the countryside in search of both greater independence and, paradoxically, substantially more police interference in their everyday lives.
MULLEDY HALL: Freshman undeclared-but-probably-going-to-be-a-Biology major Justine Naturo, is "really looking forward to hearing from Calvin again," she told the Eggplant staff yesterday morning outside her Mulledy 1 dorm room. Naturo met "Calvin" ("a senior omg!") at a party in Williams Hall last Saturday night and the two reportedly hit it off.
A tense silence hung in the air at the Eggplant Staff Office at 1 Clay Street this past Monday evening. Though top staffers had debated the many ways to satirize recent campus revelries in response to the violent death of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden, no definite conclusion was reached regarding the most clever as well as appropriately sensitize way to go about this whole thing.
NEW YORK—Representatives of the Jesuit Community at HolyCross, Fr. Sean Dyer and Fr. Damian Karras, traveled down to New York City this past Tuesday to the Annual Jesuit Novice Draft (JND) held at St. Patrick'sCatherdral in Midtown Manhattan.
Mount St. James— The Department of Public Safety has announced that it will cease writing up students, effective immediately, in order to pursue a different tact in the hope of having a higher success rate. The old method of discipline, the "write-up," led to high rates of recidivism and also did little to deter new offenders.
DINAND—Junior Political Science Major Luke McKinney announced this past Wednesday that he is hoping Dear God that his laptop will be stolen within the next three to four days. "As of right now, I've been able to leave this guy [the laptop] unattended for over 36 straight hours thanks to the new 24/5 operating hours," said a determined McKinney speaking from the Main Reading Room.
OFFICE WHERE PEOPLE DO FINANCIAL THINGS: The administration of Holy Cross has begun to express doubt about the capabilities of its newly appointed Capital Committee President, the Mayan financial stalwart Ahkbar Kukulcan. The Committee, which is in charge of strategic planning and large capital commitments for the College, has been taking on projects of an increasingly short-term duration, leading some to raise questions about Kukulcan's ability to lead the school into the future.
KELLEY SQUARE: The Salty Dog Saloon has completed seven months of market analysis, which required a costly $6,300 to determine recent market trends. The study, which would have cost nearly double if not for the volunteer efforts of Holy Cross Senior Tito Fallon, determined that "Salty" would not be economically viable if not for the HC market base.
OFF-CAMPUS — The Worcester Police Department Bureau of Crime Reporting released a statement last Friday afternoon regarding the excessive number of police cruisers perched at various strategic locations in the Holy Cross off-campus neighborhood on St.
WILLIAMS HALL – Diane Leary, a 14-year Holy Cross Physical Plant worker and cleaning lady sweetheart, announced this past Monday that she has officially collected $8,000 in unclaimed deposit money. "I'm just grateful for the student's help on this one," said Leary while the The Eggplant interviewed her while working in the third floor of the Williams Hall.
PUNTA CANA—The Chaplains' Office reported this past Monday that a record 144 Holy Cross students who participated in traditional, party-orientated spring breaks in tropical locations actually had the exact same humanitarian effect on global populations as the students who participated in the College's popular Spring Break Immersion Programs.
HOGAN—This past Monday, in a radical move cited by his critics as "outdated," God reiterated a longstanding policy to Holy Cross junior Political Science and English double Major Phil Boniface. Boniface, a promising and notoriously diligent student, used Sundays for the past five semesters as his primary day to study and write papers.
THE PUB— Authorities of the College's sole watering hole, known colloquially as "The Pub," have announced plans to heighten and intensify security forces with a special focus on the outer perimeter of the establishment. The change is coming as a direct result of student activity in recent weeks that authorities are calling "unlawful as well as downright disrespectful.
HART CENTER POOL - The Holy Cross Men and Women's Club Swim Team began their first ever tournament with low expectations because of how new their program was. Curry College went into the meet versus the Saders with the hope of a clean sweep in all events, however they got more than they bargained for.
CAIRO—Mohammed Elbaradei, the emerging leader of the Egyptian people, noted his concern with the current Holy Cross Presidential transition this past Tuesday while celebrating the dissolution of the Hosni Mubarak dictator state. "I'll be frank, I'm worried," said a clearly anxious Elbaradei.
SCIENCE CAFE— Sophomore psychology major Joe, who entered Spring semester with high hopes of sailing through a "really simple and maybe even enjoyable" fourth class, has become downright bitter and disappointed in recent weeks. "I really thought that Introduction to Contagious Disease was going to be a massive joke, to tell you the truth.
WHEELER – "It has to stop." These are the words of an exasperated and slightly agitated freshman resident who has asked to remain nameless. Said freshman has come to the judicious conclusion that it is time for him to tell his soon to be erstwhile roommate that he does not like rap music and, in particular, Kanye [West].
PUBLIC SAFETY HUT- The Department of Public Safety notified a groggy Holy Cross Community at 7:10 A.M. this past Saturday morning that the Fenwick Bell, missing for just under two years, was indeed still missing. The storied bell, which was located fifteen feet from the O'Kane Hall Public Safety headquarters, was discovered missing on March 12, 2009.
SMITH LABS—Due to an informative, albeit unfortunate, discovery made by the College's Department of Exercise Biology, the Holy Cross community learned last Wednesday morning that what it had once taken to be concrete scientific evidence is actually nothing more than mere folklore.
KIMBALL— This past Wednesday Howard McGrant, Assistant Kimball Sweet Shop Chef for the past nine years, was suspended without pay for using alcoholic whipped cream on several Sweet Shop items. Carrie Anation, Kimball Operations manager, became suspicious when she noticed that several students, especially freshman girls, were markedly more boisterous and uncoordinated while eating dessert and leaving Kimball.
LINDEN LANE— The already exceedingly vigilant Worcester Police Department took things to another level this past Thursday afternoon when a deputy chief arrested a senior male en route to his 2:00 pm "Principles of Macroeconomics" lecture.
Newfoundland, CT— Despite the ambitious demeanor of Sean Jessens last Tuesday evening, manifested mainly in the large number of textbooks in his backpack as well as his purposeful and zealous attitude while packing up his clothing, Thanksgiving Break failed to go the way the sophomore Political Science major had hoped.
HART CENTER—This past Thursday Shelby McDougal, Athletics Vice-President of Mascot Affairs, announced that Holy Cross will be nixing the Crusader and adopting an Inquisitor as a new mascot. The decision was a result of emerging concerns that the Crusader mascot is culturally insensitive.
LEHY— Sophomore Sociology major Simon "Sim" Posyum Jr., son of the Holy Cross Trustee Simon Posyum '72, held a press conference this past Monday apologizing for his actions this past weekend. In the conference Posyum traced the unfortunate sequence of events which led to his recent rebuke by College Hill residents, shady newscasters, and the general Holy Cross community.
WILLIAMS HALL—In a move inspired by recent and mounting tension between the College and the Worcester City Council, the shrewd Class of 2011 decided this past weekend to conduct on-campus what are traditionally Caro and Boyden Street festivities.
NEW YORK, NY—Moments after being released from Rikers Island after a nine-month bid for attempted weapon possession, rapper Dwayne Carter Jr. announced his retirement from the music industry. The shocking decision was delivered live from a joint MTV/BET/Telemundo broadcast originally intended to promote Carter's upcoming projects and latest album release.
HOGAN—Speaking from his office on the 5th floor of the Hogan Campus Center, Purple declared that he will not be participating in any activities or events which require him to "Go" somewhere or "Wear" something. "I'm sick of it," said a clearly-annoyed Purple, "Every time I agree to go somewhere or wear something people are perpetuating a cycle of uncreative publicity and cheap t-shirts.
MT. SAINT JAMES—Several students from various parts of campus reported this past Sunday afternoon that something was "just a little off" with regard to how they felt when walking around the College. Although the Air Quality Index was hovering in between 20 and 25 and the amount of Respirable Suspended Particulate was reported to be "low," the widespread nature of the complaints voiced around campus were undoubtedly a cause for concern on the part of the administration and swift investigation was deemed necessary by the director of Student Health Services.
DINAND- This past Sunday the college's administration announced plans to designate Dinand Library as a 24-hour study space during the work week. The controversial choice was a result of burgeoning concerns that unsupervised students in the always-ominously-opened Integrated Science Complex could be potentially dangerous.
Integrated Science Complex – Top Level Researchers at Holy Cross announced this week that they were less than surprised to find a strong correlation between how fun particular parties are and whether or not "the keg is tapped." In a combined effort between top Sociology, Economics and Chemistry professors a method was found to underlie the madness that is Friday and Saturday nights on Caro Street.
OFF CAMPUS- Students gathered at a Boyden Street apartment this past Saturday night were subjected to an unexpected and unwelcomed twist to Halloween festivities. Already engaged in the timeless holiday tradition of socializing in physically uncomfortable yet conversation-inducing costumes, the party-goers were shocked by the sudden intrusion of a group of "eight or ten" boisterous male students dressed in mining garb who, after entering through the rear bulk head, proceeded to loudly chant the word "Chile" in a variety of oddly synchronized interpretations that were apparently rehearsed before hand.
OGAN CAMPUS CENTER – Following the occurrence this weekend of a decently sized party on Carlin 2 in which more than fifty percent of the attendees were dancing, the latest polls show that "The Edge," or "Da Edge" as it is more affectionately known, is now only the fifth most popular place for Holy Cross students to partake in an evening of dancing.
FENWICK—People Opting for Robust and Thickset Lifestyles Everyday (PORTLE), a "nationwide coalition of citizens who advocate for larger ways of life among the underrepresented majority of peoples who weigh more than medically advised," (www.
Clay St— After what had been a particularly successful and enjoyable start to his senior fall semester in the areas of academics, social life, and "pretty much everything," senior George Hammels experienced this past Saturday what he called "some scary (expletive).
Worcester, MA—Formerly a site for friend connecting, social networking and gradual self-delusion, Facebook became a new forum for breast cancer awareness during the month of October. Adhering to this year's viral trend, scores of Holy Cross females updated their online accounts with statuses geared toward educating the male populace on cancer treatment and prevention through carefully conceived innuendo.
HOGAN—After yet another year of a J. Crew and Sperry Topsider-dominated Spring Weekend, Holy Cross officials voted this past week to formally ban both brands from campus. The College's Board came to this difficult decision, which is likely to affect up to 85% of the student body, following numerous summertime meetings and summits.
SMITH HALL—This past Thursday the Rehm Library Committee (RLC) convened to address the growing concern among students regarding lack of study space. Completed in 2001 and costing over $10 million, Smith Hall boasts several high-tech classrooms, bizarre semi-automatic swinging doors (which sometimes stay open for up to 10 seconds and at other times mercilessly slam in the face of an unsuspecting student) and a new elevator that terminates somewhere in the clandestine "Philosophy Department" but moves infinitely faster than the Fenwick's "Slow Shaft of Doom.
MULLEDY—Tatiana Franklins, Undeclared Freshman of Mulledy 4, captured the highly coveted "best partyer" status this weekend with her neon pink imitation Ray-Ban® sunglasses. Franklins seized the title from the former best-partyer, Jessy Dosser.
HOGAN—Tyler McVains, junior Political Science major with a concentration in Peace and Conflict Studies, became aware this Tuesday that he racked up a $3,000 bill to see poor people. At the end of last semester McVains participated in the Chaplains' Office popular Jamaica Immersion Program.
WHEELER – In a daring and self-satisfying move last Thursday during only the second full week of classes, 18-year-old freshman Tommy Bresden (White Hills, New York) left his dorm room on Wheeler 4 at 9:52 a.m. for his 10 a.m. class, Introduction to Sociology.
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